Magic Merc
by FashionFable
Summary: A serious possibility? Ever wonder what happens to your favorite unconventional heroes once the bad-guy has been put down and the world had been cleaned up? Jake could never work a 9-5 & with his skills background, he'd never have a normal job. He just wanted something under the radar of the police. Things aren't so easy though, are they? This is serious. Seriously funny. :)
1. Chapter 1

_**"In a world... where all the craziness that happened in 'Resident Evil 6' and the secret Jake Muller ending if you've beaten all the campaigns has all come to an end... One man is left to face a world he doesn't understand. The world of hard, manual labor, grinding from day to day, pay cheque to pay cheque like the common man... That man is, Jake Muller."**_

_"Ever wonder what happens to your favorite unconventional heroes once the bad-guy has been put down and the world had been cleaned up? Yeah, I didn't think of it either. Hero saves the girl, deals with all the issues around a way-too-fast, 'just together because of a shared life-altering, near-death experience' thing comes to reality. You find out you have nothing in common, slotted into a dating routine and a way to sustain yourself after the life you left behind. I could never work a 9-5 and with my skills background, I'd never have a normal life or normal job. Normalcy is what I need with her being a US Government Special Agent and me being a mercenary. For us to not have to cross paths, having to kill each other, I had to find a normal enough job below the radar of the law. I love easy, quick cash and a chance to share my life with the only woman I loved besides my mother. Things aren't always so easy though, are they? Enter the new life of Jake Muller."_

_**"With no association from Resident Evil besides the use of one of their beloved characters, comes the fanfic that no one ever thought of, no one but one crazy fangirl with a huge imagination... Not ever watching 'Magic Mike' but thinking 'Showgirls' was one fucked-up film where the ugly guy gets laid, the girl gets to have her way and the road to easy money and fame is paved in blood, with a little humor from 'To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar' thrown in for crazy randomness, I present to you 'Magic Merc.'"**_

Jake arrived in New York City. After the events in Langshiang and Tall Oaks, he could only kill B.O.W.s for charity so long before he ran out of cash. Wanting a break and some easy cash, he decided to take advantage of his now clean criminal background. Missing someone wasn't his thing, until he met Sherry Birkin. He'd do anything and I mean anything to be with her right now.

He stood in front of the run down theatre, $20 bucks in his pocket, a pack of smokes and the clothes on his back. He crossed his arms, scoffing as he paced. He had seen an add in newspaper. They were looking for some night hosts at a club. It stated good pay. Being the kinda guy he was, Jake was never cut out to work a 9-5 but something about this place seemed promising.

It was run down and harsh on the outside, just like Jake was right now. He pushed through the front doors. Surprisingly, he wasn't the type to be late to a place. Being punctual counted as a mercenary.

From the looks of the place, it could have been a mob front. At this point, Jake didn't care, so log as it was easy money and a way to Sherry. He shook his head as he walled through the next set of double doors. Posters hung this way and that all over the walls. It was 5am in the morning. He imagined the bulbs surrounding the posters would be lit up at night, showcasing the nudes in the frames. He noticed a large photo of a particularly stunning woman on the left, a matching attractive man on the right.

He smirked, "Ladies and Gentlemen... Who knew." He shrugged, "Well, at least I'm in the right place." Jake began to pace again, staring down the bouncer in the booth between the pairs of double doors. "Ok..." Jake leaned close to the glass, speaking into the two way speaker. "I'm here to see Mr. Raymond?" The man was sitting there reading a free-weekender newspaper full of music reviews and late night entertainment. Jake could see the porn adds from where he stood, towering over the seated man in the booth that didn't seem to give a shit.

Jake banged cracked his neck then cocked his head, a smirk tugging at his lips. "Hey asshole!" Jake pounded his fist on the glass. If this was a bouncer or mob job, it wouldn't matter how rude he was. He wasn't going to manage shit or serve drinks, that much he knew. Not for good pay. The bastard finally put the paper down. He was a fat black man, about Jake's height and three times his weight. "Yeah asshole, I said I'm here to see Raymond." The man didn't seem phased at all, just slightly annoyed. His name tag read "Richard."

"Through the door on the right, down the hall to the club, make left at the bar. Door is the first on the left behind the bar, behind this booth." He gestured with his thumb over his shoulder, picking up his paper midway through the conversation. Jake scowled, scoffing again.  
"Thank you, Dick." The man jumped at the glass this time. Jake waved his middle finger over his shoulder as he went through the doors. "Don't like the title? Blame your mother or change your name tag."


	2. Chapter 2

Jake pushed open the door to reveal an empty strip joint, just like he though. There were bars lined along the walls, a center stage to the back. A few cages scattered around the table for entertaining. He followed the directions as stated by "Dick," his new "best friend." Jake hesitated before opening the swing-hing, restaurant style door. As he went for the handle, a middle-aged black lady stepped out, her hair shaggy and died dirty blonde. She looked like she had been around the block but wore a suit to look sophisticated. Her black pinstriped blazer/skirt combo barely grazed her panty-line, revealing some nice legs for an old bag. She had a young Tina Turner like appearance. She was petite, even more so if it wasn't for her pencil thin stilettos. She seemed slightly startled as she bumped into Jake's muscled chest. Jake scooped her up in his arms protectively before she fell, throwing one hand behind her back and grabbing her hand with the other.

"Sorry, Ma'am. I'm looking for Raymond?" He shook his head, looking away to the door for an instant, "Dick... Richard said he'd be here." Jake was trying to be on his best behavior. He gave her a wink at the nickname for the unpleasant bouncer, his lips tugging into a smirk. She raised an eyebrow at him, slightly standoff-ish at how he freely grabbed her, stopping her from falling. Jake felt a little bit of a blush. Even in a place like this, he had some respect for older women, taught to him by his mother.  
"It's Raymonde. Pleasure to meet you Mr.?" Jake reached out his hand, a slight smile tugging his lips rather artificially.  
"Jake."  
"Ahhh..." She eyed him, circling him with her fingers trailing along his body so far as to grab his ass and check out his package. "You must be Shake'n'Jake. You'll do nicely. Do you dance? Sing? Play any instruments?" Jake flinched every time she touched him inappropriately, giving his best scowl.

"Excuse me? Um... Isn't this a bouncer job or like mob related, cus that bum you have out front doesn't look like he cuts it." He crossed his arms, giving her the stare down as he paced the bar. She raised her eyebrow, licking her lips. He threw his hands, up backing away as she came towards him again. "Look lady, I'm not a gigolo so if you don't mine me..." He went to push past her but she put her hand up against his chest, stopping him momentarily as he gave her a dirty stare.  
"Wait." She sighed, "Just hear me out. Everyone one of these places has mob backing but that's not why you're here." She stroked his scar, Jake pulling his face away from her soft, sensual touch. "My my, what a character we have here." Jake shook his head, cocking it as he got angry, grabbing her hand.  
"Look lady, gawking is one thing but that touch comes with a fee." She smiled playfully, cocking her head as she stared into his deep blue eyes.  
"Well... That's exactly why you're here... Want to make money? You've come to the right place. Like I said, do you dance? Sing? Play an instrument?" A smirk crossed his lips, this little misunderstanding was peeking his interest.  
"Well, I'm an ex-mercenary. I can fight and yeah, I can dance. Nothin' pro. There hasn't been an instrument I can't play but piano is my specialty." He crossed his arms once more, bringing himself to his full height as he looked into her hazel eyes. "What's in it for me?"

Raymonde sighed, "I knew you'd ask that next. Money? Women? Fame?" She paced, crossing her arms. Jake wiggled a finger at her in the air.  
"No offense lady but this place doesn't look like it carries a lot of business," Jake stretched out, cracking his knuckles as he locked his fingers, pushing his palms towards the ground, "Not a whole lotta dough..." he pushed passed her once more.  
"Wait. I'll give you an advance to prove that our entrance is just a front for the real money making." She glared at him, a hands on her hips. "State your price." Jake paused. He hesitated, then turned slowly, expecting a gun to be drawn on him. All he saw was the petite milf before him. "Anything?" He smiled.  
"Yeah." She smirked back, baring her teeth. "Name it. Now." Jake raised his brow again.  
"Get me a Harley and we're fair game. When do I start?" He crossed his arms, smirking again, not believing a damn work out of his own mouth.  
"How about you show me your moves? You start right now." Jake shook his head, pointing at her.  
"Give me a pot of coffee. Black." He nodded as he cocked his head, "Then we have a deal." 


	3. Chapter 3

Jake walked around the place, eyeing the scenery, coffee in hand. He inhaled the rich aroma. Black coffee was an acquired taste but he was used to it now as a merc. He drank it down before it had a chance to cool, something else he was used to. Raymonde eyed him as he strutted around. She showed him to a back room, proving he'd get to play with the motorcycle on stage as well. She let Jake wheel it onto the stage. She threw him a tear-off outfit and a disposable G string. "Ok, Shake'n'Jake, let's see you work the stage."

He blinked for a moment, then eyed the damsel up and down. "Excuse me?" He had been lost in playing with the features on the Harley. She rolled her eyes then pointed to the grand piano in the corner. A smirk tugged at her lips as he admired her flawless skin.  
"Look, you said you play Piano?" She threw the clothes at him. "Put on the damn outfit and work that stage." Jake clapped his hands and laughed. He did as he was told, heading to hide himself behind the bar to get changed. He wasn't one to strip down in front of a boss... Then again, he was kinda in the wrong place if he had a problem with that. He shook his head, smirking, as he decided to strip off his actual clothes too, shaking his ass at her.  
"Okay okay, just don't get too excited now."  
"That's a mighty fine ass." Raymonde spanked him hard. "Ooh, honey. The rules are not to touch but we allow lawbreakers here." She copped a feel on his manly bits. "Now that's going to bring in some money." Jake held in a squeal of pain as she gave him a tug.

"Ahem." Jake snapped his head around to see a familiar face. A face he respected as a fellow warrior but also despised. The face that killed his father, Albert Wesker. Chris Redfield. He was slapping his thigh and laughing as he pointed at Jake's ass in a little disposable flesh-toned thong. "Fancy meeting you here, Jr." He managed to cough that our between laughs.  
"Hey hey, just what the fuck are you doing here?" Jake hiked his tear away pants up, managing to make most of the tear-away buttons pop open as he stumbled over to punch the older man. Chris went down easily as Jake choked him, still laughing as Jake wrestled him to the ground and straddled him, filling him in with punches.  
"Hey, now!" Raymonde yelled at Jake, who ignored her as Chris continued to laugh. "Keep your hands off of Commander Cock." Now it was Jake that was laughing. He rolled off of Chris, trying to point between Chris and Raymonde.  
"Are you fuckin' shitting me?" He pulled himself up off the floor, then marched up to Raymonde. "I'm not working with this dipshit!"  
"Shake'n'Jake," She pointed, "Go lay on the piano and play a tune from on top of it. Cock Commander, go do the Gangnam elevator dance above him. We'll see if you guys have any chemestry."

Jake's eyes went wide. Jake had done a lot of crazy shit for money. Shit he was proud his mother wasn't alive to see. He had killed in cold blood. He had survived many a battlefield. He even took a knife to the face when his leader betrayed him on a mission. Dancing on a piano, playing a tune, below his nemesis, Redfield? "Worst battle recession ever... Couldn't you just re-elect Bush for President and blow up another small country or I dunno, seven?"  
Redfield shook his head, giggling. "At least you don't wear the Vulcan ears and do strange things with that 'live long and prosper' sign." Now one of Jake's eyebrows raised, that eye popping out of his head while his other eye twitched erratically.  
"Just don't do that shit to me!" He shook his head as he marched to the piano, "Christ..."  
"No." Chris shook his head, "It's Chris."  
"Shut the fuck up..."  
"I kinda like doing stuff with that sign actually..."  
"What the fuck dude, seriously!" He punched Chris in the nuts. Chris fell off the piano with a large thwunk.  
"Jake! Easy with the merchandise!" Raymonde shrieked. "Look, you two." Raymonde grabbed a whip from the "toy box." She cracked it towards the piano. "Either you two behave, now, or I'm going to whip both of you as part of the act." Just when Jake thought his eyebrow couldn't raise further and his twitch couldn't be anymore erratic, that was the last straw.

"Play Gangnam style on the piano." She threw Chris a Recorder, "You, this one." Jake had now raised both brows, swearing like a madman at the penis shaped instrument.  
"Hey, at least you have some dignity after we killed all the B.O.W.s. All I can play is this thing." Jake winked, cocking his head as he tried to brush the image out of his mind.  
"Always knew you were a fag, Redfield." Chris shrugged in reply, hopping up on the piano as Jake ran his finger along the keys for an intro. He sighed, "The shit I do for money."

* * *

**No gay-bashing intended, you know Jake is a potty mouth.**


	4. Chapter 4

A yell came from the other room. A tiny blonde ran out shrieking at the top of her lungs wearing a schoolgirl uniform. She called out from the manager's balcony above them. Jake figured it lead between both sets of accomidations. "Heeeeeelp! Raymonde!" She had brown eyes and the most annoying voice on the planet. Jake covered his ears as her shrieks continued to pierce his ears. She just continued every two seconds, standing there like an idiot, her hands at her sides. "Heeeeeeelp! Raymonde!" She stood there, pointing and shieking, at what, Jake didn't know. It caused him to play a bad key. He was a perfectionist when it came to the piano. She was really pissing him off. He sighed and shook his head.

"After the fuckin' morning I've had, this better be good." Jake wandered behind the bar looking for a coffee machine. He was still just in the damn thong, letting it all hang out. Chris went to assist the still shrieking girl with whatever the fuck she wanted. Jake looked up at the two of them on the balcony, a clear view of the girl's panties. She pulled down the front of her skirt, making a dirty face at Jake. "Pervert!"

Jake scoffed, crossing his hands over his chest. "What? It's a strip joint. You are dressed like a skank!" She squealed in disgust. Jake shrugged as he threw his arms wide. "You aren't much to look at anyways!" She squealed again.  
"Well aren't you friendly! Don't you know who I am?"  
"A fuckin' banchee? Rusty breaks! An automatic rubber duck with no off switch?" He shrugged again as he paced, not finding the fucking coffee. "Aha, you're an old-fashioned ice cream machine!" He mumbled some more expletives. "Where is the fuckin' coffee..."

"Oh my god, Raymonde!" She hugged Chris like an insane groupie. "The bar, there is water everywhere! The C02 line came loose and the bubbles, god, the bubbles! It's everywhere!" Chris raised his eyebrow.  
"Not another cleaning accident... What did I tell you? Stainless steel cleaner on stainless steel, dish soap on dishes."  
"Helllllp! Raymonde! Chris is being mean again!" Jake covered his ears.  
"God, I see I'm goin' to just _love_ working _here_!"

After all of that died down, Jake asked who the girl was. Chris smirked, "Her nickname is Assley. If you can't tell, she's popular with the Japanese businessmen and tourists. Her ass is about all she has going for her." Jake shook his head.  
"Yeah, I figured as much with that fuckin' voice. She sounds like the squirrel on Spongebob!" He shook his head, "God, I'd rather work with you sober than deal with that one stoned." He looked in the 'toy box.'  
"Um... What you looking for, Jake?" Chris had his hands on his hips. Jake shot him a look of confusion.  
"Wow, Redfield. Really know the toybox inside and out?" Realization his Jake and he gritted his teeth, shoving Redfield away. "Just don't look at mine! I don't put anything in there for fucks sake!" He shook his head, "Need a gag for that bitch if I don't find me some ear plugs." Chris began to snicker, pissing Jake off once more. "Ear plugs! Not butt plugs!" He shook his head, "Seriously, just what the fuck is wrong with you! Jesus Christ!"  
"Chris..."  
"Jesus, Chris!" He found the gag and shoved it in Chris' mouth, wrapping the elastic around the back of his head. "Now that's an improvement. Now stop staring at me like that or I'm not going to whip you, I'm going to beat you to death!" Jake put his hand up, shaking his finger violently at Chris who was backing off slowly with his hands in the air. "Ladies only!"

Jake went looking for another gag, Chris still eyeing his ass. He kicked him in the nuts again. "Yeah, hope you don't like that too much or I'ma have to find another way to get back at you." He found couldn't find one so he grabbed the one on Chris' face, pulling it back as hard as he could before releasing it. It smacked Chris right in the face. Jake then pulled it off. "Thanks. Now, just who was that bitch? Assley." Chris as still rubbing his face, holding his nose as it began to bleed. He went over to the bar, grabbing some ice to half the bleeding. He spoke while pinching his nose, sounding nasally.  
"Ashley Graham, failed college student."  
"Obviously!" Jake threw a hand in the ear, his voice obviously annoyed. Chris snickered and continued.  
"Former United States President's daughter. Leon saved her once."  
"Fuck Leon and saving little girls..." Jake shook his head, "Couldn't he make sure that one at least got shot?" Just then, another shriek from Assley.  
"Heeeellllp! Raymonde! Heeeeellllp!" Jake made a fist in response to the irritating noise.  
"Fuck! My ears!" This time she ran into the room butt naked. "Oh God," Jake covered his eyes, pinching his nose as he turned away. "Hey, anyone got a paper bag for that kid? Or a body bag?" Chris shook his head in response, chuckling at Jake's disgust. Jake tried to peek but regretted it instantly. "I think I just threw up in my mouth a little."


End file.
